| What My Mother Never Taught Me About Women's Friendships |
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Last week I turned 50. Yep, the big "5-Oh".
Nope, I didn't hide under my bed or check the mirror to see if I could spot any more wrinkles, or go through any of the predicted trauma that comes with this milestone.
What I did engage in was a lot of reflection.
One of the things that I reflected on, interestingly enough, were the relationships that I had with my female buddies throughout my life and how the dynamics changed as I got older.
As a child, my best friend was my cousin, Ines. We not only went to school together, but we spent practically every waking moment with each other, playing "pretend" in a fantasy world of our own creation. I was traumatized when she moved with her family to the United States when I was only 9 years old. In a sense I had lost my world. At the age of 8, I formed a lifelong friendship with my cousins in Madrid, Paloma and Elena. These early childhood friendships with my female cousins were not only good for me, they were vital for my emotional development, and they seemed to come efortlessly to me. In my early adolescent years, I distinctly remember my awesome school friends in Manila, Philippines. We'd chatter at lunch and recess about nothing, passed each other notes during class, then rang each other up when we got home to speak for hours again about boys, teachers, the weekend, you name it. We'd paint each others' nails, pluck each others' eyebrows and share each others' secrets.
My mid to late teenage years saw my family and I move to Sydney, Australia. With my new group of school buddies I discovered the beach culture of that glorious one kilometer stretch of golden sand called Bondi Beach. There my girlfriends and I hung out, swam, gossiped and met boys from Waverley College and Cranbrook from morning till night. By the time my 20's arrived, I may have had plenty of girlfriends, but we had become more guarded and competitive with each other. Already a young Mum at 23, priorities such as family and career had well and truly taken over by the age of 30.
By 41 I had been married and divorced, and although I was in desperate need of the nourishing and support only a girlfriend could give, I had trouble working out who my best girlfriends were. It was interesting for me to observe that the older I became, the more I downplayed the importance of friendships with other women as I increasingly viewed it as more of an indulgence. But in doing so, I had robbed myself of the nurturing, strength and support that I could have tapped into when I hit the rough patches in my life.
There is now a scientific research to back up the fact that female friendships not only make women feel good but relieve the pressures of daily living, lowers women's stress levels and ultimately prolongs her life! *
* A landmark UCLA study entitled, ” Female Responses To Stress: Tend and Befriend, Not Fight or Flight” suggests that friendships between women are not only special, but they shape who the women are and who they are yet to be. Dr. L.C. Klein, one of the researchers, attributes this to a hormone that gets released called Oxytocin as part of the stress responses in a woman which buffers the ‘fight or flight’ response and encourages her to "tend to children and gather with other women instead". When a woman engages in the tending or befriending behavior, Dr. Klein suggests that her body releases more Oxytocin, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect.
So ladies, my message to you as I clock up a half century is that friendships with other women in your life is vital for your well being as a woman. But like anything precious, it does require nurturing to thrive. So do set the time aside each week to communicate, hang out, spend time with other women, be it your Sister, Mother, girlfriend or a great woman you have just met. It's good for you and an ideal way to bring the balance of mind, body, and spirit back into your lives.
Victoria xx |
Comments
Just wanted to say that I really loved your Blog this month! It’s a topic I think about often. Moving to Hawaii has really made me view my friendships with my girlfriends in a different light. Maybe we don’t talk as often as we used to, but we still depend on each other even though we are thousands of miles away (something technology has made a ton easier!).
If you are interested in stories about lifelong friendships between women you might be interested in The Girls from Ames. I picked it up because the story is set is Ames, IA – the location of my college – Iowa State University. The author is a male, which kind of gives a different sort of view on the relationships of women over 40 years of friendship. http://www.girlsfromames.com/
Congratulations on the big birthday! J
Jocelyn
Jocelyn Elfstrom
Public Relations Manager
t — 808.662.8025 m — 808.757.0278 f — 808.661.9991
SHERATON MAUI RESORT & SPA
2605 Ka‘anapali Parkway, Lahaina, HI 96761
www.sheraton-maui.com
Many of us only get better –and certainly wiser – as we mature!! Like you that special number was a
milestone however not a millstone for me too (and it’s now over two years ago for me). It’s all about
your perspective isn’t it?
I also reflected on the depth of friendships/relationships women make in my remarks at the Athena Hills
launch yesterday. It was a great event with about 95 attendees and an abundance of energy and a great
buzz in the room.
If you’re interested photos can be seen at:
http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=the+athena+network&init=quick#!/group.php?v=photos&gid=66876108889&so=90
Now that’s done, there are just the initial meetings in the Hills to organise and then I’ll have some more free
time; well, that’s the plan! I would love to come to one – or more – of your events. I look forward to doing that
soon.
Meanwhile keep well and all the best for another year – may it be one of success, fulfilment, good health and
happiness for you.
To our success
Danita Needleman
Regional Director – The Athena Network
T:
M:
E:
W:
02 9113 0777
0401 001 265
danita.needleman@theathenanetwor k.com.au
www.theathenanetwor k.com.au
I loved hearing from the both of you, and I love the fact that geographical distances are no longer an issue. We can just as successfully connect as women through the wonders of technology.
Nevertheless, Maui is still difficult to enjoy from a distance, Jocelyn, so Peter and I may have to pay you another visit in September of this year!!!
Victoria xx
Aloha,
Jocelyn
As I trawl through my email having been wrapped up in launching The Athena Network in the Hills District your email caught my eye. Thank you for sharing your story and for highlighting the many and varied phases we enter and leave throughout our life. Those competitive days of our twenties and thirties are thankfully behind us and I like you am inspired and motivated to create communities where women celebrate and promote our uniqueness with an integrity that allows us to be the best expression of who we are.
You’re absolutely beautiful and many happy returns.
Happy Birthday Victoria,
Warmest regards,
Suzy
I agree, I wouldn't go back to my 20's or 30's if you paid me!!
Love the space I'm in too much.
Victoria xx